The joys of beard grooming and other items

beardoAs those who know me are well aware, I have a tendency to grow facial hair in a copious manner. Whether this is because my face gets cold (it does), I think my chin is too small (it is), or I simply hate to shave (yes, but I do have to trim a lot, so that’s no excuse), I have a tendency to let it grow. As a high school student, it was sideburns, for which I was well known and beloved. As a freshman in college, it was a hideously long goatee (I was young and stupid). Of late, it has been the full beard action, and most noticably in the past few weeks, the dyed beard action. Yes, I dyed my beard in my last visit to the “salon.” Not an experience for the faint of heart (you think the fumes of hair dye are bad when they are on top of your head? Try having them coming off of your entire face, especially millimetres under your nose).

Why dye the beard? Well, I dye the hair, and usually that means I have to shave (so as to avoid the horror of the “just dyed hair” to beard mismatch). Well, it’s winter and I live in Utah. You do the math. Or not… it’s cold here. Even when it’s “unseasonably warm,” as the weather folk like to say, it’s still damn cold.

Why am I telling you this? Well, my moustache being strangely coloured (blonde in sections, brown in others, with a few stray black hairs), I’ve never really enjoyed its appearance. With it being dyed a uniform colour, though, it has become rather fun, and it has grown a bit longer than normal (some might call it out of control). It started with the corners edging their way into my mouth. So, being the nervous nelly (furtado?) that I am, playing with them has become a nervous habit. And in just the past few days, I’ve started to notice the rest of the moustache catching up. This would be fine, but…

I now know why they call it a soup strainer.

Well, maybe not just soup. Perhaps yoghurt. Or sweet and sour chicken. Yes, I’m having to learn the fine art of facial hair placement. Ladies (and hippies), this is not dissimilar to having to pull your hair out of the way when doing something, such as eating, or flying a vintage Chinese paper kite. To eat anything with sauce, broth, or other sticky or fluid-like substances, one must follow the following simple steps:

  1. Place index finger in the middle of your moustache, just below your nose.
  2. In a gentle sweeping motion, begin to separate the hair, following the dent in your upper lip.
  3. Using thumb and said index finger, brush outward, each finger going the opposing direction.
  4. Starting at the middle dent again, use index finger to brush stray hairs hanging over your mouth away, in an up-and-outward fashion, traversing the length of your lip. Repeat for other side.
  5. Pull the far corners of moustache up and out from the mouth (this may result in a Wyatt Earp style, but it’ll keep your hair out of your food)
  6. You may now eat safely.

Okay, so that may seem a bit farcical, but that’s what I’ve found myself doing before I eat. Sure, some (ashley) might say “Why don’t you just shave?” Well, I like the look of my beard right now, plus it’s still cold, and it’s not like I have a girlfriend complaining about it (why do women always seem to hate facial hair?). I do believe I’ll trim it up soon… but then I’ll have to go find some more beard dye…