In light of Mitch Hedberg’s passing, I thought I’d share some of his comedy with you:
- I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. ‘Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine… with grill marks!’
- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential
- I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said “Please Try Again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong, or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. ‘C’mon, Mitchell, don’t give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.’
- I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price fucks with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. “What’s going on, Mitch?” “Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It’s not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment.”
- You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together…
- I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor’s coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. “Mitch’s Pizzaria… This week’s coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch’s Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.”
- I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.
- I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck, and I knew the duck was lost, ’cause ducks ain’t s’posed to be downtown. There’s nothin’ for ’em there. So I went to a Subway sandwich shop, I said, “Let me have a bun.” But she wouldn’t sell me just the bun, she said that I had to have something on it. She told me it’s against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain’t supposed to touch. So I said, “Alright, well, put some lettuce on it,” which she did. She said, “That’ll be $1.75.” I said, “It’s for a duck.” And they said, “All right, well, that is free.” See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway! Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. “Let me have the Steak Fajita Sub – but don’t bother ringing it up, it’s for a duck! There are six ducks out there, and they all want Sun Chips!”
- I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it’s like being strangled by a really weak guy… all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
- Whenever I walk, people try to hand me flyers. And when someone tries to hand me a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Hereyou throw this away.”
- I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.
- I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
- I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide…”
- I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that’s extra scary to me, because there’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He’s fuzzy. Get outta here.
- On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at?
- An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator “Temporarily Out of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience … We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.”
- I was walking down the street with my friend and he said “I hear music.” As though there’s any other way to take it in. You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too … I tried to taste it, but it did not work
- I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
- My friend said to me “Man, this weather is trippy.” I said to him, “No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy…” then I thought, man, I should have just said, ‘yeah’
- My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them to, you know, I’m like, “Hey, hold on fellas, lemme hold one of you… and feed you a leaf.”
- I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, “I’m hungry,”… so it died.
- They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that. “Hey, you want some Sprite man?” “Not until you figure out what else is in it!”
- As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So, if I’m at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. “How’d I get up here, Goddamnit!? I guess I have to slide down. WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!” That’s what you say when you’re having fun you refer to yourself and some other people.
- I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven; it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done….who knows? I’ll throw a potato in and go on vacation.
- Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I’d see things that looked like beams of light… and I’d hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns…
I figured your xanga is covered in too many comments by me. So i will just go here and comment.
And stop being so hard on yourself.
If it helps, I always have that chin problem in pictures. And I am just as hard on myself as you are. We should both stop it together.
Yay for Arcade Fire and Pitty Sing!
That was something really funny right now. Unique.
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