Okay, so I’m watching Leno (you have to do something while you wait for Conan to come on) talk about how Italian he is with some guest when they cut to the adverts. Since I’m also working on something in Photoshop (revised “Create”:http://gregorybowers.com/create section, if you were wondering), I don’t immediately mute for the commercials. After some innocuous 30 second spot (this was 10 minutes ago and I’ve already forgotten what it was), in comes something singularly horrid: the world’s longest (minus info-mercials), most confusingly pointless commercial ever. I am, of course, speaking about new Celebrex advertisement, only calling it an advertisement would be to completely ignore the definition of the word. Clocking in at well over a minute (it could even be two minutes long, but I’ve not officially timed it), it begins with gentle, elevator-music acoustic guitar picking in the background, and blue gradated backgrounds, overlaid by animations that immediately brought to mind an art student’s final project for a Flash animation class. Okay, boring, sure, but hardly mind-blowing.
Then comes the voice-over.
Unlike most pharmaceutical ads you see, there is no glossy “Life’s great with this pill!” message: they get right into the nitty-gritty. At first, you zone out the talking and just focus on something–anything–else. After a moment, however, you start to hear what they are saying… and none of it sounds positive. It reminds you of a politician or SEC-beseiged CEO attempting to tell you things are not as bad as people lead you believe, that the earnings will be back up next quarter, and we’re winning the war. Yes, this is actually a commercial that spends all of it’s times downplaying some negative reports on Celebrex of which most people have probably never heard. The delivery is subdued, yet tinged with a tone faux-reason. It’s the sound of scrambling to cover your ass and still trying to seem composed. Just when you think they’ve finished with all that, in rush the most mind-boggling words yet…
Let’s Dive Deeper.
Yes, just when you’re thinking this is an overtly long commercial, they make it even longer! It’s at this point that you scramble for the remote, searching in vain for the mute button. The sound securely thwarted, you start to wonder not whether Celebrex is right for you, but “what crazy side-effects does this drug have, and are they really bad enough that the company needed to run such a commercial to allay the fears of users and investors?” After you’ve pondered this thought for what seems like a good ten minutes, you glance back at the television and realise the ad is just ending.
I’m thinking the next medication this company needs to roll out next is something to cure the massive headache their commercial causes.
EDIT (27 April 07): +I just timed the commercial (they like to play it on Leno)… two minutes, thirty seconds of mind numbing sadness that belongs in a “free video” that you mention in a real commercial. I recorded the ad (well, most of it), so I’ll see about perhaps putting it online, if only to increase world suffering.+