Salt Lake, I Love You

…but you’re bringing me down.

Sorry, I was listening to LCD Soundsystem this morning, and the track “New York, I Love You” came on, and it seemed applicable. What I’m trying to say is that as of the 12th of next month, I will no longer reside in the town of my birth, Salt Lake City. I’ve accepted a position at Trusera (we’re hiring, btw) in Seattle, Washington.

Now, if you’ve known me longer than 10 minutes, you probably know I’ve been trying to relocate to Seattle for some time now. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am to finally trade the stress and frustration of that for the stress and frustration of a multi-state-line move. And the stress and frustration of a (temporarily) long-distance relationship with my lovely girlfriend/dork, Sabrina. However, it will be worth it, and we’re both excited (and stressed).

One of the best ways I can imagine to relieve stress is by taking a knife to a pumpkin, and hacking its brains out. I give you the results of such a stress relief program:

Bean’s wonderful execution of GIR from Invader ZIM, and my lackluster attempt at the “Flying Spaghetti Monster.”:

It’s worth noting that Bean used only common kitchen utensils in her carving, while I broke out the X-acto knife kit. She completely destroyed me, and I’m not surprised. She has a gift.

Back to the point at hand: Leaving.

I’m going to miss a few things in this town, first and foremost being my family, a large chunk of whom live within walking distance of each other (and about 15-20 minutes from my current place). However, my family will be my family no matter where I live, and I’ll be down in SLC enough to see them, regardless. Of course, I’ll also miss Sabrina, but the distance, as mentioned, will be temporary, and (employment opportunities willing) soon enough she’ll come up to join me. gb does happy dance

That being said, I feel inspired by something Croft did when he pulled up stakes and headed for the moist northwest: some text wrapped in an ordered list tag mentioning things he’d miss about Lawrence, Kansas.

That being said:

(Non-relationship) Things I’ll miss about SLC, UT

  • Harmon’s grocery stores. Best produce section you’ll find in Utah, and the always shocking finds such as rambutan and a british foods section. And no damned shopper-cards required!
  • Matt’s burgers. I ran into my buddy Matt in the Fashion Place Mall last night, and it opened a well-spring of emotion… over his barbecue skills. But his band, I Hear Sirens, will be touring around my way in the future, and I expect him to bring some sauce. Wait, that sounded wrong.
  • KILBY COURT. This is the hidden gem of Salt Lake City music. Most Salt Lakers have no idea about this venue (hell, most don’t even know you can go see bands play at any place outside of the E Center or Usana Ampitheater), tucked away at the end of an alleyway in downtown SLC. But amazing shows by bands you’ve probably only seen at large clubs and huge venues have taken place in this small converted garage with a capacity around 200 people. It has appeared in music videos and you can’t miss the iconic green fibreglass backdrop in thousands of band photos on the net. I’ve been to so many shows at Kilby Court that I might as well have worked there (and I’ve pilfered enough free Dr Pepper to stock many vending machines). I could go on, but you get the idea. If you live in or near SLC, and haven’t been to a show at Kilby, you are a poor deprived child.
  • Greek Souvlaki. Sweet Jesus on a pogo stick. One of Bean and my favourite places to eat. Chicken pita with a side of red sauce, fries, drink (her) and bacon cheeseburger, fries, drink (me… yeah, I know… but it’s still amazingly good).
  • Snow. Just kidding… good riddance. And before you say “But it can snow in Seattle!” realise you’re talking to a man who used to drive to Park City every day, during the winter, often before I-80 had been plowed. We’re talking standing powder and black ice in blizzard conditions… in the mountains… on the interstate. An inch or two once or twice a year is LAUGHABLE! Bring it on.
  • Gilgal Garden. If only because I love freaking out visiting friends (and my girlfriend, who has never liked the place to begin with). What’s not to like about Joseph Smith’s face on a sphinx?
  • Utah Drivers. The most intellegent, courteous drivers known to man. Wait, take what I said, and reverse it. Once again, good riddance.
  • The DI. This may sound weird to Utahns, but hey, my girlfriend has instilled a love of cheap, tax-free thrift shopping from the Walmart of secondhand shops. Although it still hasn’t produced the promised record player I’ve been looking for.
  • The Grid. Salt Lake is laid-out on a massive grid. If you can figure out a cartesian coordinate system, you can find your way around town. And the roads are—generally speaking—freakin’ enormous. Downtown SLC could be 20 times bigger, and the roads would still seem big. Good ol’ Bring’em Young apparently said he wanted the roads wide enough that a stage coach would turn around on any street. Nice job, Brig.
  • The mom and pop burger joints. It almost feels like the 50s. With credit-card machines. And that godawful fry sauce monstrosity.
  • Watching the Jazz choke. It’s a yearly tradition. I guess I can watch the Sonics suck instead, though. (editor’s note, 16 June 2016: We would go on to lose the Sonics within a year. I missed the opportunity to see a young Kevin Durant in green and gold!)

You know, going through a list of things you’ll miss really shows you how little you will miss. Bring on Seattle!


  1. Congrats! The grid system wasn’t quite as extensive in Oklahoma as it is in Utah- but all the main streets were on a mile block grid. Not so much here in Michigan. I certainly do miss that.

    I don’t think I could do Utah. Even with Crown Burger and some very nice music venues, I think there are just too many Mormons.

    As for watching the Sonics suck, I can’t believe they’re staying there. I thought the move to Oklahoma was a done deal. It still might happen- then what would you do?

  2. Oh, I’d survive. In fact, I really don’t follow sports much at all, so if the Sonics moved, it wouldn’t really matter, aside from the fact Key Arena would be kind of useless… well, I guess the hockey team would still use it.

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